After months and months of hard work and finally procuring a manuscript in which to publish, most authors are subjected to a media blitz upon publication of their book to create buzz (and therefore, money). Here’s Michael Jenkins, author of Ask Me About My Grandcats giving a rather candid interview with Wayne Kirkpatrick.

Wait, what’s going on?                                                                                                                   I’m so glad you asked! I’m Mike Jenkins and I wrote a book of comedy essays. It’s called Ask Me About My Grandcats; it’s full of chuckles. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it.

What do you want?                                                                                                                        Well, you know how the publishing business is, Wayne. I have to go parading around and do interviews like this to the mainstream media in order to boost sales. Hey, I don’t want to be here either, but that’s the name of the game. My book is available on Amazon in paperback and E-Book format.

I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t have a show! We’re standing behind a 7-11, this is crazy!
7-11, Walgreens, CVS, Wawa, Sheetz, Jiffy Lube, Target, I’ll do it all. No platform is too small when you’re peddling a book, Wayne.

Please put the gun down.
(sigh) Wayne, that’s not a question. How…how long have you been doing this? God, it’s like amateur hour out here.

Will you please stop pointing that gun at me?
Ah, there we go! A legitimate question! I’d love to, but I’m still sensing a little resistance…? So, I’m gonna kind of keep it as is…? I’m sure you understand. Look, I’ve printed out a list of interview questions you can ask me. A little professional courtesy between you and me.

“When–when did you first know you wanted to be a writer?”
Bor-ing! Come on, man. Let’s get our hands dirty. And why are you shaking so much? It’s not chilly out. It’s a beautiful spring day behind the local 7-11!

Uh..Um… “What literary pilgrimages have you gone on?”
Hmmm…(scratches head with barrel of gun)…that’s a good question. “Literary Pilgrimages.” Ummm… I’m sorry, I can’t answer that question without sounding like a pretentious asshole. You understand.

“Does your family support your career as a writer?”
(Wincing, waving gun) Next question. Next question!

Will you please let me go?
Ha-HA! Oh, Wayne, I love this banter! What a dynamic we have! Unfortunately, I have answered that question way too many times today, but this is good. We’re having fun.

“How do you celebrate the completion of a book?”
Excellent question! Back at my place I have a book-release party planned with various folks, including some A-list celebrities. I’m talking party hats, I’m talking kazoos, I’m talking sparklers…

Wait, A-list celebrities?
Look, if that guy holding religious signs outside the local Shell gas station isn’t considered A-list, I don’t want to know who is. Want to stop by? I still have to go inside the Sev and get some slurpees. It’s going to get crazy up in there! Is there a particular flavor I should get you?

You know I’m going to call the cops once this is over, right?
See, I want to believe you…? But I think I’ve charmed my way into your better judgement. I’m going to give you my address anyway. This is a good idea.

I just want to go home and hug my family.
Bring them along! I live above the local hearing aid place on Main street. Front-view apartment, no big deal. Oh Christ, are you crying?

You’re just so sad…
See you at the party, Wayne!