Ok. Ha ha. Very funny, guys. Very funny. I suppose it is kind of humorous, I guess. Yes, right now I am without my Jock Jams volume II CD. Hardy har har. I see you stifling your laughter, Charles. Did you take it? Huh? Was it you? I’ll bet it was. Charles, you always pull shit like this. Well, if it wasn’t you, who was it? Huh? Which one of you assholes was it?
It couldn’t have simply been misplaced. I refuse to accept that notion, Randy. Come on, guys. It’s not that hard of a CD to miss. It’s got bedazzled jewels on the casing, some glitter, and oh yeah, it’s the greatest cd of all time!
This is volume II, assholes. Volume II of the Jock Jams canon was by far the strongest. The first volume was just a feeler; a reconnaissance mission of what we jocks jam to. After accumulating feedback and knowing our likes and dislikes, ESPN went back to the drawing board and formed the perfect album. By Volume III the fame went to their head and there was no going back. And what about Volume IV, you ask? Please.
You’re jealous that I have it and you don’t. That’s the only reason I can fathom. We were all having a nice time tonight, weren’t we? We got out the Turning Leaf white wine, having a lovely dinner, catching up with friends, their wives and children…but the dinner party really got started when I snuck that CD into the stereo. What were we listening to before that? Dan Fogelberg? More like Dan FAG-elberg! Haha! Am I right? C’mon, Tommy. Up high.
I saw the looks on your faces when you heard the voices of Sports Center announcers Dan Patrick and Chris “The Swami” Berman welcome us “To the Big Show” on track number one. You all had this look on your faces that was like, “Damn! Why didn’t I think to bring my CDs to the party?” Maybe you will next time we get together. Maybe. If you’re smart. But we all brought a little something to the dinner party, didn’t we? Kyle, you and your wife brought that Mediterranean dish with the noodles and shit. Steve, you brought that new version of Trivial Pursuit for us to play after dessert. Lola, you made that lovely table centerpiece that held the salt and pepper. And as for me, well, I brought the fuckin’ intensity!
You do know that this CD is part of my daily routine, right? I listen to it in the car on my way to gym. I put it in my disc-man while I am at the gym, and I turn it way the fuck up when I am in the tanning bed and just totally jock-jam out. Where else can you find an album that contains both Coolio and The Village People? I ask you this even though I know there is only one answer. If you think it is funny to take that kind of joy from me, then fine. Go right ahead. I can lead an empty life. No problem. Some friends you are.
I cannot believe I am this close to completely losing my shit because of some dumbass fuck game of hide and seek! I am fucking pissed!! Give it back! Right fucking now! I swear to fucking Christ I will castrate your fucking asses if I don’t get that CD back! I will single-handedly rip your dicks off and shove them down each other’s throats, and I will make you say that you love it!!
You know what?! Don’t give it back! Because if you give it back to me right now, I will turn that shit up to 11 and it will be the anthem to your own sick destruction!! Fuck this! And fuck all of you!!