The Cap’n Is Lost at Sea

Well, lock up your daughters, folks. They did it. They actually friggin’ did it. I’m not one to use my massive platform to spout about any current events besides perhaps the weather, but we are living in unprecedented times, can we all agree?

You know what I’m talking about. Most of you do, anyway, unless you’ve been locked into your Netflix account and watching an endless loop of Schitt’s Creek. So, allow me to say this out loud because I’m still in disbelief:

(Deep breath) Cap’n Crunch’s Ocean Blue Artificially Maple-Flavored Syrup. (Exhale. Brain Aneurysm.)

Your first question will be, is this real? After you are told that indeed, it is, sadly, very much real, your next question will be: how do I get myself off of this fucking planet?

There is no escape. There is no other planet in this universe that will host a demented species such as ours. Not after this malfeasance, no no no.

The company responsible for this Cronenberg is the Aunt Jemima Syrup Company. Over the past year, due to racial injustice, they announced last summer that they were going to change their name to something else in 2021. As of right now, no name change has been made, but they did remove the likeness of Aunt Jemima off of their packaging. Yeah, because that was the offensive thing about their product. Not the blue maple syrup.

Why blue? Because it’s a food color not found in nature? Don’t tell me blueberries, that shit be more purple than anything. Secondly, what in the good god damn is the Cap’n doing aboard this shitty vessel of a marketing campaign?  He’s a cereal cap’n, through and through. You think he knows anything about batter-based breakfast foods? He’s completely out of his element here and boy does it show.

What’s next? Is Little Debbie going to be the new face of Fan Duel? How about the Gorton’s Fisherman sporting some sweatpants that say “Pink” across his ass? It’s all up for grabs now, folks.

…get it?

As if this Cap’n Catastrophe wasn’t frightening enough at first glance, if you think about it for more than a second, things get even worse. Maple syrup is naturally brown. If you approach a tree, hammer a nail into it, once the tree stops screaming and begs to see his family one last time, this brown stuff comes pouring out.

So, if this is maple syrup, what on god’s green earth did the Cap’n have to do to it to make it go from brown to blue? How do you do that? I lack the imagination and masochistic lust to hazard a guess.

Oh. It’s “artificially maple flavored.” That’s in the name of it. Did they even have a marketing team for this? I think they forgot to tweak the name after the mad scientist came out of the lab, a plume of green steam behind him, glasses broken, blood trickling out his ear.

The first two ingredients are: corn syrup and high fructose corn syrup. So basically, sugar and sugar-sugar. Next up, water, and then cellulose gum. Would you be a lamb and look up cellulose for me? They call it a “dietary fiber.” It’s wood pulp, folks.

Look, I’m not going to get into every ingredient here, I think we’re all fairly disgusted enough. But this is a tumorous cyst and it must be exorcised from our collective breakfast table, preferably with a spoon, unless you want your kid to take a bite and get such a sugar rush he passes out and smacks his head on the sticky table.

They tried this shit with the ketchup back in the early 2000s, remember? They had green and purple ketchup. The kids liked it, but outside of a Nickelodeon sitcom, kids do not rule the world. After the revolt, once the smoke cleared and people began rebuilding their lives, it was gone from our grocery shelves.

The only positive I can see coming out of this creation is something like “Type-4 Diabetes.” Sure, for people, diabetes is not fun, but think of all the new and exciting discoveries scientists can make from such a thing. It’ll be like a reverse super power. Make it happen, Cap’n.