Ms. LoriMichelle

Dear LoriMichelle,

My name is Mike. I came across your profile and thought I would write you a letter. I too am sick of the creeepers at the bar scene. I know it’s more common for women to be the victim creeping, but it also happens to guys at the bar. Female creepers tend not to blink and have a Cheshire Cat-type smile about them. They are quite easy to spot and avoid, but sometimes they can ninja-up behind you and ask in that way too excited tone of theirs, “You wanna go on a picnic??”

You ever picnic at 10:30 at night, Lori? It’s unsettling, I’m not going to lie.

So, that’s how women creep. What exactly do men do as creepers? For their opening line do they ask for your blood type or something? I imagine if they did, there is probably no wrong answer. It’s not like you would say, “B positive,” and he’d go, “Oh, yuck! Nevermind!”

Thanks for taking the time to read this, Lori. Also, on a side note, I play softball as well. In fact, I just played yesterday and got me a handful of singles. I also hurt my back; like a boss!

Signed,
Mike.

Ms. ZibbyB

ZibbyB, hi!

My name is Mike. I came across your profile and thought I would write you a letter on here. I am also a fan of WXPN. There’s a whole lot of bands and artists that I’ve discovered that other radio stations would never think of playing and that’s why I call them every time they do a fund drive.

I love it when they do a fund drive. Most people make a pledge online, but not me, Zibby. I like to make a phone call because I get such a rush when I hear the phone ring on the radio and people start to clap and praise me. It’s really quite exhilarating!

And they pick up the phone and go, “Thank you for supporting XPN! How much would you like to pledge?”
And I say, “Oh, there won’t be any money today. But I fully support your radio station emotionally.”

This sometimes throws them off-guard so I really have to sell them on this idea. “I don’t say this half-heartedly. I mean I am giving you all of my support; every morsel. In fact, if you would like to announce on the air that I am willing to match any caller’s emotional pledge for the next two hours, we can double the amount—‘’

It’s at that point where they hang up on me, but they do it politely, because they’re nice folks over there at XPN. What bands did you discover and like on there? I’m a Dawes fan myself, as well as the Alabama Shakes.

Have yourself a Funky Friday, Zibby!

Sincerely,

—Mike J

Ms. Rockout13

Hello, Ms. Rockout13, I’m Mike2614231. I live in Glenside now, but I used to live in Green Lane. It’s true! I lived there for about 5 years, in a tiny apartment on the corner of 63 and route 29, by the Sunoco gas station. Have you ever been? It’s a nice gas station; they sell ice cream for kids as well as minnows for fishermen. And they also sell pornographic magazines sealed in plastic bags, which… well, look, I just know that they SELL them. That’s all I know about it, honest.

Honest.

At any rate, the apartment I lived in was an old house from the early 1900’s that was converted into 5 small apartments. Everything was slanted: the floor, the windows, the door frame… Hey, you remember in the movie Beetlejuice when Beetlejuice was going to marry Lydia and he created that crooked door in the wall for that old priest to come out and wed them in marital bliss? My door frame looked like that. When people came over I told them to enter on the right side of the door frame, lest they hit their heads on the short side.

Are the door frames where you dwell crooked as well? I didn’t know if I was living in some kind of architectural oddity or if that’s just the way things are up there. I am sorry to say that I don’t have a single piece of plaid in my whole wardrobe; not a stitch. You probably read that sentence and wondered how I get by, but somehow I do. Somehow.

I am envious of your wide array of photos. I especially like the professional photographer’s shots of you in the felled cornfield. I guess you could say the photographer was…”stalk”ing you? Ha, you’re welcome; feel free to use that and take it as your own, I won’t mind.

Have yourself a wonderful day!

Signed,

Mike (The guy with the Beetlejuice door frames and puns about corn, which are a-MAIZE-ing!)